All my life it has been one heartbreak after another. Each and every man I have loved has hurt me and left my heart more damaged than when the relationship began. At this point I feel broken inside and really wonder what is wrong with me that I'm not good enough to be truly loved.
My first boyfriend I ever had was so immature and always needed to be with his friends and quite honestly I wouldn't quite say it was even a relationship because we never really spent any time together alone.
My next and officially the first relationship I was in at age 16 was with a 21 year old man. I was young and naiive and didn't know too much about the real world. That man ended up raping me one night and it changed my whole world. I didn't realize it at the time or even for the next 15-20 years how that event had negatively affected me and probably will for the rest of my life. You see, I was a virgin who strongly believed at the time that saving yourself for marriage was the most precious gift you could give your husband. After the rape, I felt worthless and no longer felt that I had anything precious to give a man. I was afraid to have sex and trusted NO ONE.
I met my "first love" almost a year after the rape but that only lasted 9 months because I didn't want to have sex and he cheated on me. It was Valentine's Day, he wanted me to come to his house so he could give me a surprise. I went and waited 45 minutes in the car and then he drove up with another girl. Stab to my heart.
About 5 months after this heartache, I met the father of my first child. I was so in love with him and I remember saying to him that I loved him so much, I wanted his child. Well I got my wish and gave birth to my beautiful daughter who has been a blessing ever since she was born. Her father and I didn't make it in our relationship because he had a habit of cheating and ultimately slapped me upside my head one day and that was enough for me to pack my stuff and leave him two weeks before I found out I was pregnant. He married the mother of his first child when I was 5 months pregnant. Another stab to my heart but who wants someone who will physically abuse you??
When my first daughter was two and a half, I married a man who seemed to be the complete opposite of the men I had chosen in the past and who seemed to be a responsible man and who I believed would be faithful to me. I married him because I wanted my daughter to have a family, not so much for love, although I did grow to love him and we were married for seventeen years. Problems in the marriage were lack of sex, my husband not being able to be intimate because he just didn't know how, and I was very miserable and unhappy because I was so lonely. We fought daily towards the end of the marriage and our home was very disfunctional for our three children. I have never really been able to say why my ex-husband lacked in the sex department(12 times a year if I was lucky). All I can honestly say is that I tried everything I could to make our marriage work before I walked away from it, too bad he couldn't say the same.
Six months after separating with my husband and preparing for divorce, I met the Love of My Life. This man, Wow! I fell instantly in love with this charming, cute, shy, boyish, funny, loving schizophrenic man!! In the beginning, and throughout the next seven years with this man, he treated me like a queen when he wasn't having a schizophrenic episode. Our sex life was off the charts! I mean to tell you, I was in straight LaLaLand after coming out of a seventeen year marriage where I only had sex twelve times a year! Now I was getting it five to seven times a day! I loved life with this man and gave him my heart and love him to this day and always will. He is my soulmate and he gets me. I'm not sure he has always been faithful but I love him anyways. The problem with this one is that he became physically abusive and tried to kill me twice because of his drug use and schizophrenia. He has also mentally and emotionally abused me and I let him!! Why? Because I love him and I always thought one day he would realize just how much I love him and things would get better. I blamed his mental illness on alot of the things that happened and I needed him to be on medication. He always said he would but didn't until recently, and even with that, he has stopped taking them. The end of this relationship came a little over a year ago. It was a very sad day for both of us but we knew we couldn't continue on the path we were on.
Towards the end of the last relationship, I began working for the Greatest Love of My Life. This man went from being my boss to being my lover and I thus quit working FOR him. This man came into my life as a blessing from God. I was homeless and he offered me and my daughter a home. He has a big heart and he has been the ONLY man to ever know my true self. He has loved me no matter what and has taken care of me and my daughter and loved us like no other. We have been a family and he is the true meaning of a man. He is hard-working, responsible, loving, smart, usually easy-going, and very generous. He has good, upstanding principles he lives by and I respect what he has to say and what he thinks(most of the time). He is my greatest lover(not to take away from the love of my life) because he makes love to me. I feel his love when I am intimate with him. We have been going together for fourteen months and I love him so much. Here is where the problem lies. Last year, two days before New Year's Day, he witnessed me having sex with another man and didn't tell me he had seen it until New Year's Day. The hurt in his eyes I'll never forget. I swore I would never hurt him like that again and have done everything I could possibly do to make it up to him and try and build that trust back. He has tried but can't seem to forgive me and his anger comes out all the time when we argue by him calling me names and being very disrespectful to me. He has never physically abused me and I don't believe he ever would but the emotional abuse I'm feeling is just as bad. He confuses me because things can be going so good between us and then all of a sudden he is angry and irritated and leaves me. Just a few days ago we had a friend come visit us. After that friend left, he said I talked too much which I responded saying he hurt my feelings saying such a thing. I got up, not wanting an argument and went to my room. The next thing I hear is him leaving. I thought to myself he just needs some fresh air, I'll leave him alone. After fifteen minutes, I called to ask him where he was and he told me he was going to his cousin's to get something to eat. Keep in mind, this is at 11:30pm. I was very upset that he just took off and didn't say he was leaving but I was even more upset when I woke up in the morning and he still wasn't home and had left the door unlocked the whole night while I slept in the nude in my bed!! I didn't hear from him at all that day and finally he showed up at 10:00pm that night. He didn't say anything and neither did I. He went to bed in the other bed and didn't sleep with me. Next morning, left for work, didn't come back until the following morning. That was this morning. He swears up and down he isn't cheating on me or that he doesn't have someone else he's interested in but I can't help but think either he does or he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. My daughter has cussed him out about the way he treats me and that has upset him but I can't think of what I have done or said that started this aloof behaviour and why he is treating me this way. I am so devastated and hurt but I'm trying not to completely fall apart in front of him. I'm so sad and depressed because I love this man so much and I thought he loved me too. I'm scared that I will die if I have to live without him. My heart feels completely shattered and I walked out of there tonight because I don't understand and the hurt is too much laying in my bed wondering why he is sleeping in the other bed away from me. God help me. Why am I never good enough for a man I love to stay with me. I know I'm not always easy to handle but my love is true, pure, and sincere. When I love, I give all of myself. Why isn't that enough?? I can't describe the pain I feel inside and the wanting to give up completely.
Why haven't I been able to keep love?? Why do I always have to be hurt and left alone?? Why has my whole life experienced so much hurt when I give all my love to someone?? Why??!!
My first boyfriend I ever had was so immature and always needed to be with his friends and quite honestly I wouldn't quite say it was even a relationship because we never really spent any time together alone.
My next and officially the first relationship I was in at age 16 was with a 21 year old man. I was young and naiive and didn't know too much about the real world. That man ended up raping me one night and it changed my whole world. I didn't realize it at the time or even for the next 15-20 years how that event had negatively affected me and probably will for the rest of my life. You see, I was a virgin who strongly believed at the time that saving yourself for marriage was the most precious gift you could give your husband. After the rape, I felt worthless and no longer felt that I had anything precious to give a man. I was afraid to have sex and trusted NO ONE.
I met my "first love" almost a year after the rape but that only lasted 9 months because I didn't want to have sex and he cheated on me. It was Valentine's Day, he wanted me to come to his house so he could give me a surprise. I went and waited 45 minutes in the car and then he drove up with another girl. Stab to my heart.
About 5 months after this heartache, I met the father of my first child. I was so in love with him and I remember saying to him that I loved him so much, I wanted his child. Well I got my wish and gave birth to my beautiful daughter who has been a blessing ever since she was born. Her father and I didn't make it in our relationship because he had a habit of cheating and ultimately slapped me upside my head one day and that was enough for me to pack my stuff and leave him two weeks before I found out I was pregnant. He married the mother of his first child when I was 5 months pregnant. Another stab to my heart but who wants someone who will physically abuse you??
When my first daughter was two and a half, I married a man who seemed to be the complete opposite of the men I had chosen in the past and who seemed to be a responsible man and who I believed would be faithful to me. I married him because I wanted my daughter to have a family, not so much for love, although I did grow to love him and we were married for seventeen years. Problems in the marriage were lack of sex, my husband not being able to be intimate because he just didn't know how, and I was very miserable and unhappy because I was so lonely. We fought daily towards the end of the marriage and our home was very disfunctional for our three children. I have never really been able to say why my ex-husband lacked in the sex department(12 times a year if I was lucky). All I can honestly say is that I tried everything I could to make our marriage work before I walked away from it, too bad he couldn't say the same.
Six months after separating with my husband and preparing for divorce, I met the Love of My Life. This man, Wow! I fell instantly in love with this charming, cute, shy, boyish, funny, loving schizophrenic man!! In the beginning, and throughout the next seven years with this man, he treated me like a queen when he wasn't having a schizophrenic episode. Our sex life was off the charts! I mean to tell you, I was in straight LaLaLand after coming out of a seventeen year marriage where I only had sex twelve times a year! Now I was getting it five to seven times a day! I loved life with this man and gave him my heart and love him to this day and always will. He is my soulmate and he gets me. I'm not sure he has always been faithful but I love him anyways. The problem with this one is that he became physically abusive and tried to kill me twice because of his drug use and schizophrenia. He has also mentally and emotionally abused me and I let him!! Why? Because I love him and I always thought one day he would realize just how much I love him and things would get better. I blamed his mental illness on alot of the things that happened and I needed him to be on medication. He always said he would but didn't until recently, and even with that, he has stopped taking them. The end of this relationship came a little over a year ago. It was a very sad day for both of us but we knew we couldn't continue on the path we were on.
Towards the end of the last relationship, I began working for the Greatest Love of My Life. This man went from being my boss to being my lover and I thus quit working FOR him. This man came into my life as a blessing from God. I was homeless and he offered me and my daughter a home. He has a big heart and he has been the ONLY man to ever know my true self. He has loved me no matter what and has taken care of me and my daughter and loved us like no other. We have been a family and he is the true meaning of a man. He is hard-working, responsible, loving, smart, usually easy-going, and very generous. He has good, upstanding principles he lives by and I respect what he has to say and what he thinks(most of the time). He is my greatest lover(not to take away from the love of my life) because he makes love to me. I feel his love when I am intimate with him. We have been going together for fourteen months and I love him so much. Here is where the problem lies. Last year, two days before New Year's Day, he witnessed me having sex with another man and didn't tell me he had seen it until New Year's Day. The hurt in his eyes I'll never forget. I swore I would never hurt him like that again and have done everything I could possibly do to make it up to him and try and build that trust back. He has tried but can't seem to forgive me and his anger comes out all the time when we argue by him calling me names and being very disrespectful to me. He has never physically abused me and I don't believe he ever would but the emotional abuse I'm feeling is just as bad. He confuses me because things can be going so good between us and then all of a sudden he is angry and irritated and leaves me. Just a few days ago we had a friend come visit us. After that friend left, he said I talked too much which I responded saying he hurt my feelings saying such a thing. I got up, not wanting an argument and went to my room. The next thing I hear is him leaving. I thought to myself he just needs some fresh air, I'll leave him alone. After fifteen minutes, I called to ask him where he was and he told me he was going to his cousin's to get something to eat. Keep in mind, this is at 11:30pm. I was very upset that he just took off and didn't say he was leaving but I was even more upset when I woke up in the morning and he still wasn't home and had left the door unlocked the whole night while I slept in the nude in my bed!! I didn't hear from him at all that day and finally he showed up at 10:00pm that night. He didn't say anything and neither did I. He went to bed in the other bed and didn't sleep with me. Next morning, left for work, didn't come back until the following morning. That was this morning. He swears up and down he isn't cheating on me or that he doesn't have someone else he's interested in but I can't help but think either he does or he just doesn't want to be with me anymore. My daughter has cussed him out about the way he treats me and that has upset him but I can't think of what I have done or said that started this aloof behaviour and why he is treating me this way. I am so devastated and hurt but I'm trying not to completely fall apart in front of him. I'm so sad and depressed because I love this man so much and I thought he loved me too. I'm scared that I will die if I have to live without him. My heart feels completely shattered and I walked out of there tonight because I don't understand and the hurt is too much laying in my bed wondering why he is sleeping in the other bed away from me. God help me. Why am I never good enough for a man I love to stay with me. I know I'm not always easy to handle but my love is true, pure, and sincere. When I love, I give all of myself. Why isn't that enough?? I can't describe the pain I feel inside and the wanting to give up completely.
Why haven't I been able to keep love?? Why do I always have to be hurt and left alone?? Why has my whole life experienced so much hurt when I give all my love to someone?? Why??!!
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